Satire: Misunderstanding the EDL

24 March, 2014|journalism

As seen in Qmessenger 86.

The EDL has not been getting the best press recently. Some people are accusing them of ‘being idiots,’ and others have gone as far to brandish them as fascists. Ultimately, they’re just misguided scamps, who love their country but sometimes struggle to show it. We thought we’d offer them some guidance to making sure people respect their proud, nationalistic point of view.

First up, the opposition to Halal foods on grounds of cruelty is noble. Animals ought not be subjected to painful deaths. But why stop at Halal? Why not oppose all cruel animal deaths? In fact, what are you doing eating meat? You’re either killing good, local, british animals or you’re importing cheap, inferior, foreign ones. This isn’t a consistent image. You need to eschew meat or risk not being taken seriously.

In fact, you ought to stop consuming all goods that aren’t ‘born and bred’ in this country. Britain once had a fine tradition of  manufacturing, but it’s been taken over by foreign goods and cheap takeaways. Want to quell the influx of immigrants? Stop frequenting their filthy kebab joints. Want out of the EU? Stop drinking their lager. Even your house was probably built by foreign thieving gypsies who stole the job from hard working Brits. To return to the ‘good old days,’ you ought to give up modern life altogether. The last time this good and green land was fully rid of immigrants was before the Romans came along with their wishy washy EU ideals of sanitation, roads and democracy.

EDL, in order to gain a serious reputation as a defensive force for good, you need to commit to the Great British ideals. Leave behind your modern luxuries. Find yourself some pastures green, far from the foreigners. Start a farm, build a house, grow some food. Go instil your good old British values far far away from civilisation. It’s probably better for all of us that way.

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